Lost

Once you told me to leave, that there were absolutely no reasons for us to stay together. From that day on you made my life a drowning experience in a huge Playstation®.
I heard you told all kinds of lies about me to your friends and family. And when asked, you kept saying there was nobody else in your life, even when I saw you holding hands with some guy through a restaurant window.
It was then I started to look for reasons not to love you so much.
After that, you went on and turned our own children against me. Little by little, like water drops from an old tap, they started kind of ignoring me every evening when I returned home tired from work. If they had doubts I do not know. Really! They stopped asking me about anything.
It was then that I thought I had found really good reasons to hate you.
And then came the day when I got home to find you comfortably in bed with Nigel – what kind of name is Nigel? For a moment, brief but filled with pain, I thought I was having a really bad experience with chemicals from a hospital in Chad. But then I finally opened my eyes, and there and then I realised it was it. There was no left space in my body for you to punch me anymore.
I took part of my stuff, mainly clothes and some books, and moved to a vacant flat right across the street. In a few weeks I gave up my job, and every night I stood by a window observing the street in front of our old building. I saw you sometimes return late at night, whenever you returned… And I tried to make a list, in alphabetical order, of all the things I never liked about you and have been meaning to tell you for years. It had to make sense…
For days, months, years, I tried to fill that “hate list”. I had to think very hard – though it was getting harder all the time for me to think –, to make a really huge effort all the neighbours could hear, to try to write something down. I drunk oceans of rum and smoked mountains of cigarettes and yet I couldn’t! The pen never touched the white paper sheet.
I searched for reasons not to love you and I haven’t found any.

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